Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Baffled over and over....

Don't you have that strange feeling that life's just as aimless as we sometimes would get when we have too much time to spend with ourselves?

There are just too many schools of thoughts. Too many idealistic ideals, too many researches, too many beliefs, superstitions etc etc that you can ever name in a flash of a lightning strike.

Life's starting to be judged by the material goods we can afford, it is reflected in the type of places we frequent, it shows in our clique of friends, it is highlighted in our shopping routines, and it is totally written in BOLD and CAPITAL LETTERS when we talk.

Ever wondered if life's supposed to be measured by the number of smiles you could generate on other people's faces?

What if we start looking at the quality of living, rather than just to aimlessly join in the bandwagon in search for the existence of the Path To More Money? Too often we've been sucked into the vortex of 'I can have it all when I have money'. But don't we all realize that it is always ourselves (yes, its us) who brings more sadness, the feeling of depression, inequality, ungratefulness, hatred (whatever that is perceived to be negative) and we're still eagarly welcoming it into our lives?

We all know that we have choices. Making a decision is a choice. Not making a decision and standing on the fence is also a decision. Deciding to stop and deliberate on our next course of action is also a choice.

But time and again, our choices are clouded by 1001 other unimportant and insignificant things in life that we just want to make it significant.

You do not need an iPhone, you WANT it. You do not need a Mac, you just feel like buying it cuz it looks freaking stylish and good. You want to buy something from Marc Jacob although you know its gonna cost you a month of your salary. You want all these so badly that you fail to notice other things you have in life.

Sometimes, our lives are always in the 5th gear and before you know it, it is too late to down shift or even to stop. Once the moment is gone, it is lost forever.

Now, you are given a choice to think of what you really want in life. What you cannot bear losing EVER, that something that will kill you spiritually, mentally, emotionally etc. if you do not have it.

Then, learn to prioritize.

Remember your parents, your family, friends and loved ones who have done so much for you. Sometimes, they deserve that dinner date with you more than your 'new pseudo-friends' ever deserve to have you around.

And always find a way to capture the true essence of life. Material gifts are just plainly tangible and physical. But that one small spiritual touch, that one whiff of humanity, the hues illuminated by love and the euphoria of feeling that you belong to somewhere.... All these are more likely to help open your sensory doors to a whole new level of life and the excitement it brings....

Friday, July 2, 2010

Goodbye, our dear little boy...

I can still recall when he was born in January 2005. It was really an exciting day for me, at least. Although he had a different mother (albeit one who didn't really give a f**k about him), he was sure as hell a love-at-first-sight case for me.

From there, the journey began. And with every page and chapter of my life, he was there... either to rejoice with me, get mad together with me, or to shed tears with me. He endured the repeated pounding of my hands when I got dumped by his first mother. He was there with me, together painting the town red, when I got promoted shortly after. He was also there when I left my first company in rage and jumped into HP.

I met his second mother (and effectively the only and real mother that he'd ever have) in October 2008, and he was there to celebrate our union in the peaks of Genting.

Our little boy had a near-perfect life... he had everything every other little boys didn't. However, God is fair, and nothing in this world escapes that slight imperfection. His legs would grow limp very fast, and he had to endure countless amounts of surgery to get him back to shape. Maybe he gets tired very fast, especially with a daddy who travels a lot, and insists on bringing him wherever he goes. That is not counting the nerve biopsies and replacements that he had to go through whenever his nervous system fails.

Little did we know that this little imperfection would one day be life threatening. Shortly after his 5th birthday, he started walking with a significant limp, and cries out in pain all the time whenever he tries to change direction. His mom and I did everything that we could. Spent thousands on treating him and making him better. All to no avail. Even with new transplants and screws, he still limped and cries out in pain all the time, getting from bad to worse even with the aid of the most advanced technology the world could ever offer.

We are not millionaires, and to put him through a full-body restoring surgery would cost too high... so in the end, after days and nights of thought, tears, and agony, we decided to give him up for adoption... hopefully there will be a kind daddy or mommy (or both) out there who can afford to restore him back to the fullness of health and life.

Looking back, and every time we pass by his new home and see him there, we shed tears of regret... we shed tears of sorrow... WE loved him. We promised a younger brother for him, and we promised surgery to bring him back to good health... but why did we end up giving him up for adoption?

We hope you will forgive us, our dear little boy. We had run out of ideas and ways... sometimes we wished that we had so much money that we could still keep you with us, and love you with each passing day. Sometimes, at night, I dream that we actually kept you and gave you a baby brother, and both of you having so much fun... it makes me cry silent tears. Your mother still hasn't reconciled with the fact that you're gone - tears flowing down her face every time I mention your name...

WHY, GOD? WHY??? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US??? SOMETIMES I WONDER IF YOU JUST ENJOY SEEING PEOPLE SUFFER IN AGONY, GIVING UP WHATEVER THEY LOVE???

With a heavy heart... with tears in my eyes, and with sorrow flowing through my veins... farewell, my little boy... Farewell, Monster Sia... we hope that someday, when you've grown further, when you see your parents (looking a little older than now), you will still remember us and call us by your signature squeal "EEK"...