Patience

Patience is a virtue.

And we human beings will never be perfect.

I realized today that my patience will wear off at silly things and at the wrong moments in my life. Being on track to doing my job better and better each day, I feel that I am getting more frustrated instead. Rather than learning the ropes quickly, I became more demanding. I had higher expectations of myself (which is good) but at the same time, involuntarily had higher expectations for the others as well.

Ever since young, I have never been a very patient person, with people of course. Foul tempered, blabber mouth, whatever it is, I used to be that.

I lose my temper as easily as the number of times you say 'and' in your sentences.

But being 23, I have mellowed down a lot. After getting married, maybe. Occasionally get stressed up by my uber-smart-yet-silly husband who does amazing things but yet can mix colored clothings with white clothings in one bucket to be soaked. I can feel my blood pressure rising at the thought of that.

But heck, life as a married couple is filled with ups and downs.

But PATIENCE. This one thing, I find it really hard to be patient.

I didn't know I had that look on my face (read: omfg.... i tell you so many times, you still don't know?!)

I didn't pro-actively say it out. But I guess, the girl was that good in reading expressions. She wasn't mentally fast / agile as me. But another thing she had (God's fair, oh man....) was the gift of telling what you really think/feel.

I felt really bad after that. Even though I did not raise my voice but I was indeed choking with impatience already, I had to remain calm and explain 20 times more.

After telling her for so many times about something and she didn't remember (its like, not remembering that you are a girl and you're 23 years old this year) I guess my patience really wore off although I tried to hide it. Then she suddenly looked at me and apologized. Said things that really pricked my heart....

Pricked not because I treated her badly. But pricked because I knew that she knew I was losing patience. And she apologized.

She even told me that I was a good trainer but she just cannot remember everything. And from the look in her eyes, I can see frustration with herself too. And never in my life I felt so wrecked with guilt.

I accept the fact that people are born differently. If you are average, there are 50% people better than you and the other 50% is below. You win some, you lose some. Life's unfairly fair, so let's suck it up and deal with it.

But naaaah... I find myself going back to square one again. Fighting with myself. I catch things very very very fast. All I need is just someone to tell me something, I can remember it. (minus groceries or your name, I suck at remembering those). I never liked coaching people who just don't get it. Even in school, i get annoyed by students in class who would always ask stupid questions that a 5 year old might be able to answer, let alone be bogged down by just one person who needed so much attention just to learn something. I never understood why people never knew how to read maps. I get annoyed if people lose their way to my home. I get pissed if I have to teach my student 1001 times on how to make a beautiful round ball and only to find them making wrinkled up ovals or shit-like shapes when I get back. How funny life is, to make me learn patience through very drastic ways.

Then I realized something.

We all have our own flaws.

I am messy. I hate getting myself organized, as I hate re-tidying my things up after people especially myself.

And the girl, she's neat and very meticulous.